My last few posts have been particularly short, huffy and unhelpful - both to you and to me! Now it's time to re-evaluate and step back up to what needs doing. This blog was meant to be about the boxing class I didn't go to. The hours of training I didn't do this week. The excuses to find fault in the gym, my weight, my eating and my routine. A dreary ramble about my hatred of my lack of ability to lose any weight. If I had written this post when I had intended to - Thursday night - then that's exactly what it would have been. I decided that this is not what I started blogging for and or do I want to look back and see myself struggling through miserable times.
I'm Wednesday night I got home from work and went to sleep. I slept and slept for hours. My body was done in and screaming at me to just stop for one bloody minute and let it rest. I cancelled boxing and stayed in bed. Guilt-ridden but relieved. I stopped and thought about how I felt and realised that I was simply expecting too much from my body. I had just pushed and pushed and not realised I was emotionally hurting along with the physical pain. Beating myself up for wanting a piece of chocolate or some carbs wasn't going to do me any good. That's when my real low point hit me. I felt powerless to change anything and was gutted.
On Saturday morning I had told myself I would go to the gym and do a legs workout - my favourite - which I hoped would be a nice way to ease back in. Before I left I happened to look at my gym stats for the past 30 days (which have not been as active as my usual months) and realised that I had spent a whole 24 hours and 5 minutes in the gym. A whole day. That was the point I decided to have a word with myself. It was then I knew I was doing all I could to realistically challenge myself and to be fit and healthy.
I went into leg day feeling boosted and even had the guts to go back into the scary weights room I usually steer clear of. A full and thorough workout was had and then - to prove to myself I was over beating myself up and living on next to no food - I went to Starbucks and got myself a cheese and mushroom croissant and a large toffee nut latte (skinny - because we don't want to go too mental 😂). I had to show myself ideas out of my rut and that I would stop hating myself every time I ate something. It worked.
While I am embracing this new found peace of mind I am obviously still conscious of the task at hand: my wedding is 118 days away and, while my wedding dress now fits perfectly, I still have to keep a goal in mind (albeit a little looser than the goal I had previously set).
Today I weighed in at 12st 11lbs. I'm moving I the right direction now and I honestly believe it's a direct result of me just letting go of the pressure I have been putting on myself and my body. Long may the new positivity continue.
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